It’s February! And I’m bored. At least the month is fun
to spell.
To pass the time while looking forth from hovels rank
with the atmosphere of cabin fever, out at the cold, grayish world (yes, I am
back in college), my thoughts can turn to all the ways that writing can go
wrong. This is about problems during your
writing, mind; I’m not talking about pre-writing problems (a writer’s block the
size of the Death Star) or post-writing either (finding a willing crowd to
worship your masterpiece). I think the following list is pretty universal for
me and my fellow writers. And if you know the cures, do share. I hope you’re
not selfishly hogging the secrets for yourself.
Although, if you did
hog those secrets, your book would get done before everyone else’s. Just a brief
unrelated reflection.
1)
The
Internet
I know it’s hard to tell from your angle, but you have no
idea how much time I’ve wasted on old “
Dr. McNinja” comics while trying to get
this thing written. People, do yourselves a favor and turn off the wifi switch
when you have some world-changing literature to create. But Dr. McNinja is
fantastic. Or at least
was, because
it recently published its final comic. But anyway.
2)
Daydreaming
This is slightly related to the whole distracting-internet
thing. Let’s face it; unless you’re partially insane and have a luxury cabin on
board an orbital intergalactic trade hub (like me), the reflections that stem
from your staring will be of the boring variety. So if you have a tendency to
drift away while staring out the window, close the blinds. It’s February.
Nothing to see out there anyway.
I just realized that I’m giving you the secret cures for
these writing problems here. D***—I’m not a good competitive author.
3)
Perfectionism
I recently attended a college presentation where one of my
professors gave a lecture on some complex mathematical formulae that she used
to solve a video game puzzle. Right after the problem was introduced and the
math got more mysterious to me, I partially tuned out and began solving the
puzzle myself, in my own fashion, all over my note paper. I got it right
without the formula (although it still turned out to match the professor’s
answer), but if you asked me what happened in the middle of the lecture, I’ll
direct you elsewhere.
But the point here is not
that I’m a bad student. I just hate leaving a problem unsolved. I’m sure some
of you writers know what it’s like: you despise a rough draft. That sentence
must be perfect before you can move
on. We’re talking exact word choice, perfect placement of clauses, and a good
flow from the previous sentence/paragraph/rest-of-the-book. As a result,
writing a mere hundred words takes an ETERNITY, and that’s before you go back
and edit the whole thing again. You can imagine how painful this block of text
was to write; I may have to break for dinner soon.
And I’m not telling you the cure for this one this time.
(Because it should be obvious.)
(And I want my book to get published before you.)
4)
Keyboard
Dyslexia
…you know, pressing all the right keys but in the wrong
order. Every writer I meet has this problem to some extent, even if they’re
those annoying 100,000-words-a-minute word mills out there (admit it, you). In
my case, it’s especially bad. I
almost exclusively use a laptop, yet I’ve never learned home row. Remember the
animated movie Cloudy With A Chance of
Meatballs? The way Flint Lockwood flails away at the keyboard? The animators
were copying my style, paying close attention to my
12-gallons-of-root-beer-in-my-system-and-the-deadline’s-tomorrow routine.
Couple that with my perfectionism, AND YOU CAN SEE THE PROBLEM.
(Let’s face it, your book is getting done first no matter WHAT I do.)
5)
People
I’m an introvert. I don’t like writing when people are
around.
But Ben, don’t you lead
a writers’ group at college?
Why yes, I do. Seized command of it again this semester,
actually. How did you know?
Oh…well, in that case, they’re all a bunch of writers in that
group and that eases my paranoia a tad. When I’m trying to write in a public
area, I must be in a corner and
facing away from the wall so I can keep track where everybody is. Nobody
reading over my shoulder. Also, anyone approaching to foolishly try to distract
me from my work can clearly see that I’m focused, ill, or nuts. I tend to
radiate those impressions when I’m—
I just told you how to fix the writing problem again, didn’t
I? Why am I being so helpful?
6)
Snacks
Again, distracting, even if you’re writing a cookbook. The
solution is easy: keep the snacks close, so you can hold them with one hand
while writing with the other.
Why am I telling you the solution? Because fat people can’t
reach the keyboard. Have fun.
7)
Assassins
Let’s all come out and admit how annoying this problem is.
You’re sitting there, typing your world-changing novel, and then there’s a
five-foot spear through your chest. The assailant was probably sent by one of
those rival, successful authors who
can afford hit men (Stephenie Meyer sends werewolves). Thanks to Zola’s
Algorithm from the second Captain America
movie, they’ve come to remove the future competition. Now you have to stop
working on that scene (no matter which part
it is), save and close the document, make sure you haven’t gotten blood all
over the computer, and go seek medical attention. So much writing time gets wasted when you’ve been put up in the
ICU. As far as writing problems go, this one is the worst, and we’ve all been
there. Right?
Right?
…Right?
