Sunday, January 1, 2017

New Year's Resolutions That I Will Probably Ignore

Happy New Year, readers! Yes, I am still here somehow.
I realize how life-altering those Christmas presents from last time must have been for you. Well, hold on to your chair—and lock it so it won’t spin around—and prepare for even more lavish generosity on my part, because this post is going to be yet another magnanimous gesture to all you people. This is a post of 2017 New Year’s Resolutions…
…for ME. I can hear your sighs of relief all the way from wherever-you-happen-to-be-right-now. Maybe Russia.
At any rate, here’s my list of things I need to start or stop doing for the next 365 days. If you find this helpful in your own writing life…my sympathies, I guess.

-          I need to turn off my internet connection when I’m trying to write things. This post is being written in 2016—you can only imagine how long it is taking me to write this with an open browser down here. Back in a second…
-          I need to read more non-college books. As much as I enjoy re-reading my favorite books, my most-likely unimpressive book arsenal has always irked me. Besides, I need to size up my competition.
-          I really need to cut back on my use of semicolons and em dashes; they are so much fun. But honestly, I use them way too much—if I replaced them with ellipses, the narrator would sound like he’s talking from a coma.
-          …And don’t get me started on my overuse of parenthetical statements (sentences/clauses with parentheses around them—I know you know what they are, but I cannot resist irony). I had a very honest friend of mine edit a book draft recently, and my obvious obsession came under scrutiny from both of us. Sometimes it’s so hard adding every single string of thought.
-          And then there’s my tendency to begin sentences with conjunctions. Terribly annoying.
-          I need to get more stuff published. This one is part resolution, part request. As a request, this means that all you editors out there need to stop hitting “delete” when you see my name in your submission inbox (seriously, I sent you the good story this time). On my end, this means I need to start writing more stuff and finding those avenues for publication. One thing I do plan to do in 2017 is to start shaking some trees, looking for anyone willing to publish my book series. Which leads me to my final resolution…
-          I need to learn how to beg. If you want a new vein to rise in the dull, ennui-eroded realm of young adult fiction, I could use some help. Every bit of support you can lend, be it a Facebook like or an email with advice/encouragement/testimony, will be received with great rejoicing. I like to know that I’m making contact with the strange planet of earth as it begins another trip around its star. In appreciation, maybe I’ll turn down the thermal amplifier on my death ray.

Happy 2017, everybody!

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