Saturday, July 16, 2016
Up to Chance
So about a week ago I was playing a board game with somebody. I had kind of invented the game—it was a combination of Nefarious and Monopoly. Well, not Monopoly exactly. It was Insanity-opoly, a make-your-own Monopoly set that I had gotten years ago. Where else can you buy properties like “The Galactic Empire”, “Secret Fortress”, “Australia”, and “Killer Mimes”? And yes, when combined with Nefarious, it gets even worse. The rules are complicated. Maybe I’ll post them someday.
Anyway, I had to take a moment after the game to read the Chance cards I had written so long ago (maybe five years?). In a make-your-own-monopoly set, there are two different card categories: Good News and Bad News. Pretty straightforward. And as I read them, it was clear to me that some mental instabilities never die. So first…
· Your turkey exploded. Pay $1500
· Killer chipmunks! Pay $500
· Pay $100 to each player. Oh, the humiliation.
· Your apocalyptic weapon rolled into the sea. Pay $500
· Your turn ran away. Go to “Lose a Turn.” Do not collect $2000.
· Pay $500. Or $5,000,000. Whatever.
· Unsubjugated trolls in neighborhood. Each property owner pays $100.*
· You won! NOT!!! Pay $100
· Pay $1000 because I said so.
· You did it again. Pay $1500
· The world blew up. Pay $100 for each property you own.
· Pay $500 for no reason whatsoever.
(*Funny, two of the properties were “Army of Trolls” and “Lair of Trolls.”)
Next, for the oddly fortunate…
· Your lunatic whims damaged nothing important. Collect $100 for each property you own.
· Reap the spoils of war. Each player collects $100
· You are not dead! Collect $500
· Fork over the cash. Collect $1000
· Nothing exploded. Collect $100
· Nobody noticed. Collect $200
· Stop robbing banks, you. Collect $1000
· You did it again. Collect $500
· Professional pickpocketing pays profusely. Collect $100
· Your peasants are blissfully optimistic. Collect $500
· Conquer the world. Collect $100 from each player.
· Collect $100 for no reason whatsoever.
You see, ladies and gentlemen? This is how even my earliest attempts at creative writing make the world a better place. These cards took a relatively unexciting game like Monopoly and turned it into an unbearably interesting experience! Just imagine where these cards could come in handy in other games, from actual Monopoly to the Game of Life to poker! Or maybe real life—these could be the basis for a new tax code. Or a more civilized banking system. Or a household allowance protocol! These cards could—
*Ahem* I was just kidding about all that. You don’t need to call the authorities.
(But this one’s on the house.)