So I’m job hunting. Those hapless employers who have
seen my résumé know by now that, while in college, I was both a reporter and a
humor columnist for our school paper.
Yes, I am an English Major and a reporter. As an English
Major, I am devoted to the Oxford Comma. As a reporter, I had to begrudgingly
deny its existence to learn the AP Style of writing. It hurt so much, yet somehow I am
still alive.
As a humor
columnist, though…
I’m glad our paper’s general editor saw value in 500
words of utter nonsense taking up space somewhere in the inside fold. For me,
it was a great creative writing exercise because—unlike my work as a reporter—I
got to make things up. Readers of the paper seemed to appreciate my un-contributive
contribution as well; fellow students I didn’t recognize would, on occasion, stop
me to tell me how much they liked my latest piece in the paper.
“Which piece?” I would ask. Nobody ever replied “That
news story.” They often didn’t know that I wrote news stories as well. Sign of
the times, maybe.
Anyway, I had a nice long (well, one-year) career making
fun of campus things, such as Homecoming, statuary, and the campus dating
scene. I even wrote a piece about fitness and my FitBit, entitled “The Fit Ness
Monster”, and d*** if that isn’t one of the best headlines I’ve ever written.
But I did have plenty of other column candidates that were never used in our
paper, probably for good reason. Well, this is my blog, and I hold sovereignty
here. Today, I share with everyone a never-seen-before installation of my humor
column, written at the beginning of the 2017 Fall Semester, talking about a
subject familiar to the souls and stomachs of students and scriveners alike:
procrastination.
Everything you read in here is, sadly, true. Enjoy!
#
Procrazzztination
Let’s talk about procrastination.
*pause*
Here’s how dedicated I am to this topic; in between that
last sentence and this one I’m writing now, I played a long computer game,
packed for college, went to Mass, slept, loaded up the car and drove to college, unpacked in my
apartment, hung out, and slept again, plus all the necessary meals in between. Having
established I’m an expert in industrious procrastination, let’s talk about it.
I’ll be back in a minute (hey, you
try doing anything useful on Eclipse Day).
*pause*
The Caf breakfast was alright. I still think there’s
some residual summer goofing-off I need to manage, so if you’ll excuse me…
*pause*
Should I really goof off right now? Eh, why not. I blame
the muggy weather.
*continued pause*
You know what? I’m going to go off and write a wholly
separate article while another idea I just had is still fresh. Don’t let me
forget about this one.
*pause*
There, the first draft of that other column is complete.
I don’t like first drafts, though. Too disorderly. A proofread and review is in
order.
*pause*
*pause*
*more pause*
A lot more than just proofreading occurred there. Let’s
just say that classes began since the last time I worked on this piece. I’m
waiting for one of those classes to begin right now, so let’s talk about
procrastination in the meantime. Now where was I…wait, the class is beginning
already? Gotta go—and I won’t be back in an hour, since there’s another class I have after this one and
the buildings are far enough apart to merit a taxi service.
*pause*
Okay, the classes are
done, but now I have homework. No no,
stop rolling your eyes; I know you’re expecting me to type in
*pause*
but I assure you, no
*pause*
is actually occurring. See, this is the perfect time to
bring up what I call the “Procrastination Continuum”, a term I made up just
now. In order to explain this concept, I need a little while to organize my
thoughts.
*actual pause*
That took a couple of days and a few classes; that’s
about how organized my thoughts are. The Procrastination Continuum is simply
the scale on which a person’s tasks are arranged. The placement of the task on
the scale determines how fast it gets done. For instance, I could consider this
particular topic as lower on my continuum than a completely different article I
hypothetically want to write, and it wouldn’t get done as soon.
*pause to work on other article*
There are many factors to consider in a single task’s
placement on this scale, but if I take a second to compile them you might never
see me again. A few off the top of my head, then, include length of the project
(the longer, the more put-off), real-life importance (the more important, the
more put-off), and whether or not you were the one who thought of it (if you
didn’t think of it, well, it’s never gonna happen). Gender is also a
significant factor—which is one of the reasons why it had better be an
emergency of serious, potentially interdimensional proportions before you even consider using a guy’s bathroom. That
hovel is a monument to procrastination; monumental in the sense that it will
never move without divine interference.
I’d love to keep talking about this, but I have homework
to do.
*ten-second pause*
But first, let’s talk about the more recreational forms
of procrastination…
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