Alright, that’s it. It’s about time that
someone made a checklist-style book review so I can stop suffering through all these
popular dystopian teen books.
This summer I decided to let my
pop-culture embarrassment catch up to me. As much as it pains me to say it…I
had not read any of the Hunger Games
books up until recently. So finally I acquired a library copy and read the
first installment. My official book review is thus: not bad. I found it
entertaining, even if it was a bit of a downer eighty-five percent of the time.
If I’d bought the book, I would have kept it.
Unfortunately, this venture made me want
to look deeper into this area of contemporary culture. Not the Divergent series, though—I’ve heard
enough from that sector, and judging by the movie reviews I hear, the whole
assembly is in its death throes. I did remember that another popular book had
hit the theater screen recently, though. That’s what led me to pick up 5th Wave by Rick Yancey. The
reviews were so positive it was intimidating. I was nearly breathless with
anticipation when I turned the dust jacket aside.
Surely my whole family remembers that
week. Certainly my well-read older sister does. That was the week I would not stop complaining. My most spoken
sentence? “Oh, COME ON!” I could predict the outcomes of entire chapters. I can
predict the whole rest of the bloody series
if I feel like it. Like FUN it was a new take on alien invasions. The writing
itself claimed to be not your standard alien invasion, but it was. It was the PEOPLE who changed. Rick
Yancey made every character—I hit upon the right word this morning—witless in the devastation’s wake. Yes, I know an alien invasion of that level has catastrophic effects and
world-shaking implications. But it seemed the sole duty of every character (90%
are teens) to b**** about it on every page. There were no buck-up people who
weren’t evil somehow. There was chronic mournfulness around every corner. Call
me a sadist or unsympathetic (I won’t contradict you), but all I could think
about while I was reading was a quote by Rocket Raccoon: “Oh boo hoo, my wife
and family are dead…you think you’re the only one who’s lost something??”
Finally, the main character’s name was
Cassie. That’s right. We’ve got Katniss, followed by Tris, and now Cassie.
There’s also Cia, a girl main character from another series called—not kidding—The Testing, by Joelle Charbonneau. I
read it about a year ago just to make sure it didn’t beat my own book series to
the punch. It didn’t. Once again, typical teen deathmatch dystopia.
Katniss, Tris, Cassie, Cia.
Am I being harsh? I kinda hope so. And
don’t think you’re slipping by without a mention, Maze Runner. I’ve got my eye on you.
I think the biggest problem is that we
don’t know what’s inside these books until we open the covers or see them on
the big screen. Sure, every teen book promises
on its hands and knees that you’ve never read anything like this before. But
now I want a faster, more effective type of review that will analytically
demonstrate whether or not this new series is just the same old thing. I
egotistically, pretentiously, and cynically present to you:
My
Own Ratings On New Stories
From a Pretentious
Egotistical Writer
Motto: “We hope
they don’t notice those acronyms.”
Place check marks in all that apply. Each
check is worth one point.
Main Character:
-
Is she white?
-
Female?
·
If so, is there some form of love triangle
around her?
·
If so, is one of them an unapproachable
dude she’s known from childhood, while the other one is less hunky yet slightly
deeper model that she unwillingly (yet quickly) falls for?
·
And again, if so, will half of the series’
plotline be dedicated to the main character’s indecision about which hunk she
should date?
-
Does he/she have not a scrap of
positivity?
-
If there some sort of testing that is
happening?
-
Is the main character being completely
manipulated?
-
When the main character seems to be
driving the plot, is he/she still
being manipulated?
-
Do the character’s quirks not play into
his/her overall actions or personality at all?
-
Is the main character complaining? A lot,
perhaps?
Setting:
-
Is it dystopian? (I hope so, otherwise it
could get boring.)
-
Are there loads of poor, downtrodden
masses? (Again, that can be OK.)
-
Is there some powerful militant/elitist
class that has risen up to rule?
·
If so, do they claim to “protect” the
populace?
·
Are they clearly evil? Let’s say, oh, do they
promote senseless teen brutality?
·
Did they clearly have a thesaurus handy
when they were naming things?
-
Are there some incarnation of zombies or
vampires? (If so, this check mark is worth eighty thousand points. Take that, Maze Runner movies.)
Plot:
-
Is the entire plot of the series basically
as follows:
·
Badness happens.
·
Evil entity does bad things to benefit
themselves.
·
Main character is somehow special.
·
He/she figures out the apparent evilness.
·
…Then forms a love triangle to hamper any
rapid progress.
·
Main character and a small rebellious
force escape evil entity’s clutches.
·
…Then finally they come back to defeat
evil in an unsatisfying manner
o
(note: denouement
of love triangle should be just as unsatisfying).
Scoring my own potential book series…it
got about ten. Okay, about eighty thousand and ten if I’m extra honest—I’ll
admit that drone mobs are somewhat zombie-ish. See? I can complain about myself
too. I’m such a teenage main character like that.
