I am a writer. Therefore it’s only a matter of time
before people begin quoting my musings on writing (*pauses to straighten
invisible smoking jacket*). The only trouble I can see with this plan is that
people might start asking me,
directly, on the street or on the nationally-acclaimed talk show, for these
said musings. That means that…how do I put this?…I will have to come up with
poignant things to say right on the spot—and I am a writer, which means I’m used to cycles of five or seventeen drafts
before the actual poignancy develops. When someone asks me for my most
important step in the writing process, I will most likely break down in a
stammer. (“Um…a snack?”)
In order to circumvent such a catastrophe, on behalf of
myself and future generations, I am going to pre-emptively write down a bunch
of self-spoken writerly quotations right here. Read, enjoy, make them into
memes, whatever; these thoughts go out to all you writers out there. Now,
without further ado, (*pauses to light invisible pipe*), let us begin.
·
“A writer’s job is to make the readers dance
over the pages; then, when they’re absorbed in the rhythm, melody, and
atmosphere, to steer them off a cliff.”
·
“Writers should endeavor to provoke thoughtful
laughter; good laughter is the noise of thinking.”
·
“Be it a relationship, a state of mind, or a
barrel-full of C4; in a good story, something needs to blow up.”
·
“Critics are good for your heart rate and debating
skills.”
·
“When writing for kids, remember that they’re
way smarter than you are.”
·
“The character is not crazy until he sees a
toaster as a pair of electric mittens.” (Top that advice.)
·
“If the character is special, don’t harp on it.
If the character is not special, don’t
harp on it. Shut up about your character, OK? The reader will tell you if
he/she/it is special or not.”
·
“Try to avoid places where your writing process
will be interrup—
·
“If
you’re trying to teach a lesson in your story, remember two things: One, people
are stupid. Two, you are also a person.”
·
“The goal of every author should be to become
his main character’s greatest enemy.”
·
“I find that if you take yourself and your
writing incredibly seriously, nobody else will.”
·
“The first step in becoming a writer is everyone
must think you’re crazy—including you.”
Ultimately, though, feel free to disregard all of the
above. I’m not you, and (thank your lucky stars) you’re not me either. These are
merely my answers to somebody asking me a hypothetical yet important-sounding
question at a point in the possible future. But thanks for reading anyway. Now
excuse me, I’m going to wander away so I can forget everything that I just
wrote down here.
Again, I’m a writer. I write things down so I don’t
have to remember them.
(Case in point: I also completely forgot to celebrate this blog's 1-year anniversary a while back.)
